Okay hi ebi & trace, this is my long overdue list of ikemen jdrama actors. Honestly I really wanted to put KimuTaku in too because even though he is an idol, I can't disregard him as an actor! But if I put him in, then I'd need to put nino in too. and okura. and toma. and yeah, so in the end i only put solely ACTORS :(

( Onto the list! )

Its five in the morning & I know im supposed to be asleep but I don't think I'll have a good night's rest unless i get this out of my system first.

So just last night, I was asked, 'Why did I choose to go overseas to study' again, and almost instantly without thinking, i just gave my usual response, "Cus i wanna study theatre."

But honestly, I've been giving all sorts of different answers to all the different people who asked me this question. Honestly, I don't really know why I chose to study abroad either. Initially, I guess my "study theatre" response was an honest answer, but as time passed, I started not knowing what I really wanted to do either. Even now, I'm still a little hung up on giving up on design, and now that I've chosen University of Melbourne, I still can't decide between theatre & arts management. Really, I can't answer that question because I guess I've never really asked myself that before.

I thought that the two weeks spent in Vietnam would help clear my mind a little, but no matter how hard I thought about the answer to that question, or how seriously I considered my career choices, I still can't make a decision. And so, I just stopped thinking about it and just decided to go ahead with that one year of foundation studies. (Which, by the way, I'm really sorry, design course, maybe I do regret giving up on you a little, but if there's a chance in the future, I'll definitely look you up again!)

Which leads me to the next question - just like how i avoided thinking about that question, am I just merely runnning away? From being retained? From another year of school & being left behind by my other friends? Today, I really thought hard about this. And I came up with a conclusion - probably, part of me chose to study abroad because yes, I am running away. But from what? Because I know I really don't care about being retained, or having to spend an extra year in school when everyone has left.

And I realised that I'm running away because I don't know what to do with my life here. I'm stuck with subjects that will lead me to nowhere near reaching any of my goals, and I feel that the longer I stay here, the longer I'm gonna delay myself from moving forward. In a way, think of it as me being stagnant in a place where I know I don't belong, but I'm not moving because I don't want to make changes and leave my comfort zone.

So even though now, I'm still not sure of exactly what path I wish to take, or what path my decision will lead me to, I won't regret leaving this place, because at the very least, I've taken the first step in changing the world I live in, and who knows, maybe having a different view might allow me to know clearly what I want to do in the future. Afterall, I should practice what I preach, and since I always say my favourite quote is, "I believe that everything I am experiencing now will definitely have some meaning in my life.", I shouldn't be afraid of making changes anymore or have any doubts about my decision, and just go head on with it, do my best, and when the time comes, I think I will have my answers too :)

not what you think it is;
& neither what i thought it was.

Your presumptions.

And so they said,
"Stop worrying about the past."
Please!